Them Chickens Jackin' My Style

A guest blog by Mr. Cutthroat 6:00 PM Mr. Cutthroat here. I'm live-blogging a "stress relief event", which means people shopping, while Mrs. Cutthroat spins and talks yarn. There are a couple other vendors here: Mary Kay, Jewlery, etc. And there are sandwiches--my favorite part. We just had our first interaction...one card given. Interest is peaked. 2nd interaction down and Cutthroat cards are flying off the table. Still haven't been given leave to grab a sandwich. 6:20 PM Another visitor, another card gone. Mrs Cutthroat is hustling while she spins. A person interested in looms. Here comes a story of me not allowing Mrs. Cutthroat a giant floor loom. I'm such a bad guy! 6:30 PM Still no sandwich... 6:35 PM A person stopped by that is interested in lessons. Mrs. Cutthroat does offer lessons. She's been practicing on her friends--even if they don't want to learn to knit. 6:40 PM Mrs. Cutthroat was just described as "the lady who puts the yarn on the knit." 6:42 PM Another friend of a knitter. There must be a "friends of knitters" meeting next door. are people embarrassed to admit being a knitter? 6:43 PM No sandwich 6:45 PM Black Eyed Peas are playing and the Mary Kay lady is pushing liquid botox. Coincidence, I think not. I'm looking at you Fergie! 6:50 PM Our first knitter! She signed up to receive Cutthroat Yarn's E-newsletter. Have you? Email cutthroatyarn@gmail.com to receive periodic updates and discounts right now! 7:03 PM Ran into one of our brave military men. He was talking about how knitted scarves are important to helping keep our soliders warm and their armor from scratching their neck. Mrs. Cutthroat should become a defense contractor! We will be knitting scarves to send off to our brave soliders. 7:21 PM A husband just found Christmas gifts for his wife from Cutthroat Yarn! 7:28 PM Sandwich acquired. 7:29 PM Sandwich gone. Overall, a positive experience for Cutthroat Yarn and I didn't have to make dinner either! Also, I received some liquid botox from the Mary Kay lady.

He Ain't Seen Me Crazy Yet

This weekend, I have a lot of yarn to make. On top of that, I have Christmas orders to crank out. The Christmas shopping season is heating up a lot quicker than last year. Not only am I a merchant for Black Friday, I am an avid participant in what most of the population would consider a nightmare. Not me! I can get down and wrestle ornaments with the best of the best. I have become an awesome defensive shopper, honing my skills year after year. This year, I don't have any particular items that I will be looking to purchase that will require excessive line waiting. And, I am sad about that. My family has the regular items on their wish lists this year like pajamas, shoes, perfume. No one starts shoving over pajamas! I find myself trying to suggest electronics to them so I will have something to wait in line for at 3:30 AM. No luck. So, I am going to make the best of the situation. My plan is to start a panic in order to get the best pajamas money can buy! I will have to create all the drama in the lingerie section, but I will push and shove innocent bystanders to get into the holiday spirit. Thanksgiving weekend, and in the spirit of Black Friday, www.cutthroatyarn.com will be offering up sales. If you are a knitter, or looking for a Christmas gift, hit up the website for a sizable discount.

I Hear the Mighty Thunder

Who wears a slutty _____ costume to work? 

Today, I found myself asking that a lot.  At times, the blank was filled with witch, cat, bee, and nurse.  Actually, the nurse may have just been going to work, sexily administering an IV or erotically changing a bandage.  Why is that even a sexy option?  Most of what nurses do grosses me out because of blood, urine, vomit, and who knows what else.  I can kind of understand the theory behind sexy witch.  Some guys dig the mean girl vibe.  I just can't get the point of dressing up in white and saying, "May I empty your bedpan?" in a whispery voice.  Anyway, I digress.  Which office has the option to slut it up in lieu of wearing a suit?  Certainly not mine.  I feel uncomfortable wearing a sleeveless shirt.  For Halloween, I always dress up as something totally weird or gross.  I always misplace the memo about looking attractive on October 31st. 

But, I didn't dress up as anything this year!  Mr. Cutthroat and I made no plans and it feels weird.  Also, we live in an area where we get no trick-or-treaters.  A sad double whammy!  If I could take my cat out trick-or-treating, I would.  I love Halloween. 

We did make it to a haunted house this year, against Mr. Cutthroat's wishes.  It was an outdoor trail.  And, I should mention that it was 35 degrees.  The trail was great, although I was a little thrown off by the music selection being played by the waiting area DJ.  At first, we thought the music was decent with a little bit of Jay-Z and Lady Gaga.  Then, as our group was waiting to be scared by teenagers wielding chainsaws, "How Great Thou Art" begun to play.  Wait, was this a Hell House?  By the time I got to the room with the heavy metal and clowns, I knew that it wasn't.  Side-stepped that landmine! 

Next year, I am vowing to dress up.  I am going to take over a friend's house in a well-populated area in order to hand out candy.  And, I am going to find a Hell House. 

I Don't Want to Wait for Our Lives to be Over

I haven't been knitting.  Most of my yarn arts time has been spent spinning yarn and dyeing fiber.  But, with a couple of projects promised and the need for a mohair sweater, I picked up my knitting needles for the first time in months.  The very last thing I have knitted was the terrible, awful, no good, tiny needle cashmere scarf.  I will say that once I picked up my needles and my stitch book, I fell right back into it like I knitted a whole wardrobe yesterday.  And, stranger yet, I knitted with my own yarn.  I have only made one item out of yarn that I actually spun.  It was the second skein I have ever done and I had just enough to make a hat.  Now, I think of how long it takes to make a skein, and then how long it will take to knit something and I cannot justify spending the time on myself.  Certain things I won't even make for myself out of commercial yarn because I cannot justify the time spent on the project.  I have spent a lot of time on this blog talking about socks and how they are a waste of time.  In my mind, there would never be a larger waste of time than to spin yarn to knit socks from.  That's probably a good Dawson's Creek marathon for a pair of socks.  How did the pioneers do it?  And, without James Van Der Beek.  All in all, I am glad that I am knitting again.  It is definitely more portable than the wheel.  And, with Christmas coming, I always have a lot of projects to turn out.  I have to keep my mind and needles sharp for special orders of purses, stockings, and lingerie.  That's right, lingerie.  I will make anything.  I am for sale.

Billy Bob Loves Charlene

I wish I was one of those people who was content to just hang out.  I desperately want to be one of those people who sits on her couch, watching TV and drifting in and out of sleep for two full days.  I feel like those are the people who are at work early and rarely yawn.  I am not one of those.  This weekend, I convinced Mr. Cutthroat that it would be a great idea to bake a bunch of candies, cookies, and treats and become a vendor at the local sheep and wool festival.  For those of you who are keeping score at home, this is one week after we just walked the Susan G. Komen 60 Miler and two weeks after we moved into a new home.  So, we did.  I spent my nights this week baking and packaging sweets.  Saturday we packed up the car and drove down and set up our modest booth that looked more like a bake sale outside of a church.  But, we were successful.  (And, thank the heavens we were because I would have never heard the end of my failure!) We were successful in the sale and also in yarn.  Cutthroat Yarn took home 3rd place in the handspun yarn division.  If you are interested, this is the skein:  Grimace 
I would love to eventually have enough yarn to sell at a booth, but I would need to work two years to have the stock built up.  I have to say that it wasn't that stressful after the baking was completed.  I brought my wheel and spun yarn while Mr. Cutthroat handed out samples to passersby.  People watching at a fiber festival is always a good time.  Knitters will show up wearing hand knitted items that are beyond reason.  As long as I live, no one will ever be able to explain the need for a pair of knitted shorts.  Anyway, our booth was stationed between the ice cream truck's noisy generator and the sample John Deere tractors.  The tractors were basically climbing instruments for children.  Also, they had a horn.  All day Saturday, children would climb up and blow the horn for way too long of a time.  By the time I got back to the hotel, I felt like I had shell shock.  Every time I heard a horn on the street, I would jump.  And as if my prayers had been answered, someone disabled the horn on Sunday.  If I knew who that person was, I would have probably spent twenty minutes in a passionate embrace with them. 
The festival was a great experience, as it always is.  I will likely do it again.  But, I need to jazz it up with a Cutthroat logo and sign.  Maybe Mr. Cutthroat could dress up as a giant bearded cookie?  Yes! 

My Body Tells Me No, But I Won't Quit

Well, it has been an overextended month. 

First, there was the yarn.  I am still making yarn for sale at Looped Yarn Works in Washington D.C.  Well, the wonderful ladies called and placed a huge order!  I was more than happy to oblige.  I was dyeing, spinning, and niddy noddying like crazy.  My hands and wrists were shriveled stumps by the end of the order.  But, my heart was very happy.  I got the best sleep of my life when all the skeins were measured, spun, and delivered. 

The very same week, we moved into an amazing, adult apartment.  We bought some new pieces for the apartment, discarded some old junk, and vowed to really take care of this one.  I feel like my life has been upgraded.  Every move, my marriage teeters on the brink of being fortified for the test of time or ripped apart in brutal bitterness.  Moves are hard. 

Then, the walk.  Mr. Cutthroat and I, along with four of our friends, walked the Susan G. Komen 3-Day for the Cure.  Our three day weekend was a 20 mile per day jaunt to bring awareness to breast cancer.  I learned a lot about what my body is capable of over those miles:  not much.  Since Sunday, I have been hobbling back and forth to work, walking like I am headed to a 4 PM dinner with shuffleboard to follow.  The experience was positive overall.  That being said, the first day was brutal.  It rained.  Very, very hard.  My whole body ended the day looking like I spent three hours in a bathtub.  I was wrinkled, pruney, and not cute.  My luggage spent Friday much like I did--in the rain.  Everything I had to wear for the weekend was damp.  And, by Sunday, I didn't smell like three days of sweat, but two days of mildew.  So, half dozen of one and six of the other.  Walking the city was great, though.  It gave me the opportunity to check out areas that I am not used to, including an awesome pancake house.  The walk was hard but there were so many people rooting us on with big bowls of bite sized Snickers.  After the weekend I had, I walked into Weight Watchers today with extra pep in my step.  I knew that this going to be the best weigh in yet!  Could it beat the time I accidentally lost six lbs in a week which resulted in a panic attack?  NO!  I lost .2 lbs.  That's right, 3.5 ounces.  If I have to walk a three day marathon to maintain my weight, I would rather go to Hell with KFC and a doughnut in my hand, having to be airlifted out of my new fancy apartment to my specially made casket in the funeral home for the obese. 

I came home today and made peanut brittle.

When You're in the Dark and You Want to See

Holy natural disasters! 
Living in the eastern portion of the United States, we have had a crazy August.  Now, I am perfectly aware for anyone living in any other region of the country, that these are child's play.  But, it is a little unsettling when it first happens.  We did have one major casualty in that one of the furry frienemies got trapped in the futon when running for cover in the earthquake.  He has a huge purple cast that, strangely, has not slowed him down in tearing through my house. 
With the natural disasters and the threat of a powerless habitat, I am happy that I picked a hobby and subsequent business that requires no electricity.  During the hurricane, I was fully prepared to rock it out 1700's style with my spinning wheel.  I could have thrown on a bonnet, long underwear, and went to town on the wheel.  I was still able to get several skeins done on the large order I am preparing for Looped Yarn Works in D.C.  And, Mr. Cutthroat is content to dye on our gas stove in the dark.  Cutthroat Yarn stops for no disaster! 
All in all, we made it through the enviro-drama with only a broken paw and five more skeins.  When a volcano pops up next month, I just have to keep the wheel above the molten lava.  Better start training the sweatshop now to run fast and lift high!

Take This Job and Shove It

**A Guest Blog from Mr. Cutthroat**

I'm back! Mrs. Cutthroat has been yelling, "Are you ready to clock in for Cutthroat Yarn?" more and more lately.  Now I cannot even put up a fight because she gave me a promotion--I'm the "Chief of Dyeing" or "COD".  I'm incredibly excited to be working with the wool to create beautiful colors and mixes of colors.  Although one major disclosure, I don't get to pick the colors Mrs. Cutthroat hasn't relinquished that much control. But I do enjoy tweaking the shades and highlights.  I still am in charge of taking the yarn from a spindle to the niddy noddy and then washing the yarn and drying it out, also, I'm in charge of packaging.  Now that I think about it, I'm an intricate part of Cutthroat Yarn and deserve a raise! I don't think that Mrs. Cutthroat will give me one without help. So I need you all to message her and leave comments on Facebook to help me get my raise. I'm working like an indentured servant.

In all seriousness, the Cutthroat business is humming along and I'm SOOO PROUD of Mrs. Cutthroat for this new venture! It is incredibly exciting to walk into a yarn shop in Dupont Circle and see, front and center, the yarn that your wife spins while watching Real Housewives of NY, Atlanta & Orange County, and Teen Moms!  Even more exciting than seeing it at the store is when knitters are excited to meet "the girl who makes the beautiful yarn!"  Right now, it's Mrs. Cutthroat's yarn at Looped DC in the future it just might be her yarn at her very own store. 

I Can't Stand It, I Know You Planned It

I am famous for many, many things.  To name but a few, I would have to say homemade German Chocolate cupcakes, awesome shuffleboarding skills, world-class defensive driving, and my ability to turn any event into a sporadic dance party.  My chief life skill is having never been outdone in a battle of wills.  This is going to change. 
Right now, I am in a battle of wills with my landlord, a faceless attorney, the lady who checks the mussels at Whole Foods, and one of my cats.  The one that concerns me is my landlord (although the battle with the lady at Whole Foods is going to need extra attention).  Josh, the 20-something Residential Studies major from Cadiz University, is going to ultimately win this epic battle of wills.  A rookie mistake is going to get me in the end.  I got the lease renewal a few weeks ago and they are raising our rent from astronomical to WTF.  Well, after several well-reasoned arguments from Mr. Cutthroat and a few snarky remarks from me, no progress was made.  We must move.  I came home and posted a truthful, though harsh, review of the company.  It was at that moment that my air conditioner went out.  I called and Josh put me on the bottom of the list.  It is 90 degrees in my apartment.  I may as well start doing Bikram Yoga.  And, I can't get my spinning wheel going in this heat because the thought of making yarn from wool is not at all appealing.  I even said that my mother was coming this weekend (true) and that she was elderly (kind of true).  This round goes to my landlord.  Now, I am scouring the internet looking for an apartment I can turn into a yarn studio, at least one with a working air conditioner for my elderly mother. 

Now, I Know What I Got, It's Just This Song

Today, I was viciously snapped back to the memory of my single days.  With Mr. Cutthroat working such crazy hours for his own business, I was left to fend for myself for dinner.  I started plotting the prospect of having to make my own dinner tonight at around 11 AM.  It was more of a panic.  For those of you who do not know, Mr. Cutthroat's hobby is making delicious dinners.  He smokes meat, makes reductions out of fancy things, and plates the food to look like a restaurant.  I haven't had to make my own dinner for years.  And when I did, I ate either dry pancakes or blue box macaroni and cheese.  For a week, I ate peanut butter and jelly on saltines for dinner.  It wasn't that I was poor.  I just didn't care to try to make anything good.  It is any wonder I didn't get scurvy like an old timey pirate. 
I decided to embrace the day with the opportunity to eat like I did in my early 20s.  Sometimes, while he was making homemade noodles and Fontina cheese sauce, I would fantasize about having simple macaroni and cheese for dinner.  Sickening, I know.  When I came home, I started rummaging through the pantry and light shined through the ceiling on a lone box of Hamburger Helper stashed in the back.  I am not even sure how it got into our house.  In fact, it was expired.  I made it anyway.  Now, I'm wishing I would have just kept spinning yarn straight through dinner.  What was I thinking?  I will never wish for another dinner like that again.  Until, Mr. Cutthroat tries to make a fancy peanut butter and jelly sandwich on homemade saltines. 

Can't Stop Till I See My Name on a Blimp

Wholesaler?  I barely know her!

So, I have been busy, extremely busy.  And, as a result, I have had to abandon regular blog updates.  Around Memorial Day, I was spinning and letting my mind wander.  I thought about my Etsy page and what I could be doing better to get my yarn out to the knitting masses.  On a complete whim, I called my favorite yarn store in the D.C. area.  Looped Yarn Works is a cute store in Dupont Circle with such a beautiful collection of yarn.  I connected with the owners and asked if they would ever consider selling yarn of local spinners.  Tada!  This week, 3 Cutthroat Yarn dye lots will be joining the beautiful stock at their studio. 
I was so nervous in dyeing and spinning these particular skeins.  To get everything done, I had to promote Mr. Cutthroat to Chief Dye Inspector.  He is also Yarn Measurement Analyst (or Director of the Niddy Noddy, this one is still being negotiated) .  Oh, and he might also be the courier.  In any event, I need children.  I have to get my own little sweat shop rolling so we can make more progress.  I have been asking around about a sure-fire way to get multiple babies at once.  I am sure I could find a baby friendly carder that won't poke out their eyes or otherwise damage them in any way.  Another invention that I need to create.  And, I clearly need to because my furry frienemies have really taken no interest in participating in the family business.  It's clearly a problem. 

Your Cheatin' Heart Will Make You Weak

Today, I tripped into middle aged today with as much grace as a one-legged rodeo clown.  I dragged Mr. Cutthroat to Bikram Yoga this morning at 7 AM.  And, then slept half of the day.  I am up now and watching Cheaters.  So much for wanting to be a productive person today!  I believe in my heart of hearts that I could wake up, do Bikram, knit a sweater, host a dinner party, and if I turned on even 15 minutes of Cheaters, the whole day would reverse any productivity for the whole day, possibly week.  Such a wonderfully, vile show.  When I spin, I have a piece of my day spun right in.  Every time I handle the skein after it is done, it brings back memories of what I was doing that day.  After spinning with Cheaters in the background, handling my yarn several days later still makes me feel trashy.  Trashy television is one part of my youth that I cannot seem to leave behind.  I will be 80 years old chanting terrible phrases at the actors on the screen.  Oh, and you can bet the next dye lot will have a Cheaters-centric name.  Maybe one named after the incomparable "Joey Grecko" himself?

Higher and Higher, It's Burning Through to My Soul

As if carding, washing, dyeing, and spinning fleece from the Sheep and Wool Festival wasn't enough, I started Bikram Yoga today.  Bikram is the type where the room is very hot and very humid.  The goal on the first visit is to just stay in the room for the entire 90 minutes.  I am proud to say that I made it all the way through.  To be clear, there were parts that I had to skip by just laying there on the towel covered mat.  When I marched in the class, I started towards the back and the deeper I got into the room, the hotter my body, the harder it was to breathe.  At least my inner monologue had enough sense to say, "turn your ass around and park near the door, you fool!"  My mat was near the door next to the window, where I can see the receptionist who was certain to shame me if I dared leave the room.  She already threatened me as much when I signed in.  "Don't leave the room!"  The heat was rough.  My elbows, eyelids, and knees were sweating.  And, the room smelled like Skate-A-Round.  But, the receptionist through the thick glass kept me motivated to stay by purely sitting there.  I was half afraid that she would force me to walk home wearing a neon sign that said, "BIKRAM FAILURE!"  At one point I looked over and this receptionist SS officer was eating watermelon.  I instantly hated her from this moment on.  Tomorrow, I am going to give it another go and I need to figure out how I can tastefully wear less clothes. 

I Know What I Am, They Know What They Are, So Let Me Be

Wow.  It has been 3 weeks since I have last written.  Readers, forgive me. 
So, where did I leave off...  Ah, yes.  The sheep and wool festival. 
Well, they did not kick me out for my yarn submission.  In fact, I got 5th place for my Tequila Sunrise.  I was very happy to have placed in such a competitive environment.  The entries were unbelievable!  The Maryland Sheep and Wool Festival was amazing as always and I always recommend it to knitting and spinning fans.  Also, they are good for anyone who loves to people watch some very strange folks.  My husband goes to see the weirdos in a variety of handmade items.  The year, the weirdo award went to a guy in a nicely knitted pair of shorts (or maybe swim trunks?). 
I do enjoy the gamut of people in attendance.  There are the crazy hippies that appear to be there to buy supplies to live off the land.  Then, you have old ladies wearing every knitted article they have made in the past year, even if the weather is 80 degrees and sunny.  Looking at them makes me sweat.  I wonder if I will be one of these extremes in a few more festivals.  I certainly never wear anything I make to the festivals, and I would probably look terrible going sans bra and in dreadlocks.  The middle ground between the two is a giant ass and a jazzy, which to be honest, is probably pretty likely in 20 years.  Mr. Cutthroat would be pretty hot holding a gyro in one hand and a shepherd's crook in the other.  It is nice to know where you are going to end up in life and lean full force in that direction. 

I Don't Go to Sleep to Dream

This has been a stressful week.  For every which reason, I have a lot of stuff going on.  Yarn, fundraising, walking, traveling, etc.  Just a lot of stuff.  My brain will not shut off.  I am awake at night, all night thinking about stupid things that could occupy my thoughts during the boring workday.  I wonder when Lady Bird Johnson is going to crank out baby birds?  Can you dye yarn bodily fluids?  How long would it take me to go off the grid completely?  I wonder if I could ever like hummus?  Are the baby birds going to keep me up all night with tiny chirps?  Would I like a cruise?  I wish I had room for a loom!  How does a loom work?  How does a bird lay an egg anyways?  All night long. 
The biggest stress is preparing yarn for a festival this weekend.  I am at a loss for which skein I should enter and which category on top of that!  I am not afraid of losing to a worthy competitor.  I don't feel as confident as I should for operating a small business.  What I am worried about is that the 75 year old judge that has been spinning her entire life finds some amateur flaw, one where I should know better.  I just need to get over it.  If I do well, then awesome.  If I get kicked out because my dye job is horrid, that's fine too.  With as crazy as my life has been these past few days, I can control whether or not I enter the contests with a tiny bit of pride.  I am going to go forth this weekend and make it happen.  After all, I did win the last yarn competition I was in.  Then, after this weekend, I can get back to fundraising, walking, traveling, and feeding baby birds with an eye dropper full of chewed worms. 

Trying to Get My Hands on Some Grants, Like Horace

Can we talk about this?  This book, available on various online bookstores, may be the single greatest pattern book in the history of time.  Versatile?  No.  Trendy?  Most certainly.  Useful?  Absolutely not.  However, I do appreciate there is a knitting aspect to a world event that I, like every other 18-62 year old woman, am completely obsessed with.  How long did these patterns take to develop?  This is one reason that I could never write a successful pattern book.  I would give up somewhere around Prince Harry.  But, as cute as this book is, one question remains:  what in the hell do you do with the knitted royal wedding once it is done?  Maybe there are spinsters who will proudly display it.  Maybe there are people who can zip through these patterns while watching the festivities and it's no big deal.  I am neither of those.  I can't even bring myself to make lingerie, and I feel like that may have a use.  Well, maybe not.  I am not sure how hot and bothered my husband is by my knitting.  Maybe this lady has made other pattern books?  An O.J. Simpson Trial book?  Or, Libya Crisis?  Or, Waco?  She could make millions!  Fiona Golbe, call me!

I Just Want to Fly

Birds!  I hate birds.  I think they are sneaky, noisy, and their red, beady eyes freak me out.  I don't like pet birds.  I especially hate the ones that talk to you.  Also, their poop flies out of the sky!  Bleck!  Well, I have been confronted with my worst nightmare this week when a morning dove took up residence in my neighbor's light fixture.  Our neighbors trying to gently tell the bird that it should find more suitable housing, put a bobble head and a roll of packing tape in the fixture.  But, oh no!  This dove would not be dissuaded!  It just built its nest around the obstacles.  Now, when I have to walk by the dove to get out, it is too close for comfort.  I just keep my head down and bolt for the stairs.  Mr. Cutthroat tries to reassure the bird when he passes so it won't start attacking, "It's ok, little bird."  I appreciate that he thinks at some point it is going to reply, "Thanks, Mister!" 
To make matters worse, another morning dove showed up on the other lamp in our hallway.  That one just stares.  It hasn't built a nest yet. 
Yesterday, I went out for a morning jog and when Mr. Cutthroat and I came home, there was a THIRD morning dove.  And, this time it freaked out.  It started dive bombing us in the hallway as we tried to key into the house.  I cannot handle this gauntlet of birds every single time I go in or out of my front door!  But, at the same time, this bird is going to have baby birds in this nest.  And, while I hate birds, I love baby animals.  I would employ the usual Cutthroat tactics to evict these flying rats, but where would the tiny babies go?  And, maybe because I am letting them stay, the morning dove will walk over and leave one at my door step to raise as my own.  That is, until it becomes a real bird and that sucker is OUT! THE! DOOR!

Give Me a Nickel, Brother Can You Spare a Dime

The Cutthroat family has decided to participate in the Susan G. Komen 3 Day, 60 mile walk fundraiser.  The goal is hefty for each walker--$2300.  Mr. Cutthroat and I do not have particularly rich friends and family so we are going to be relying mostly on individual fundraisers.  In a few weeks, we will be holding a silent auction.  My only real skill is all yarn related.  So, I am going to be knitting items for sale, along with knitting lessons.  This has the opportunity for my ego to be stroked or very badly bruised.  On one hand, my knitting lessons could go for $5,000,000!  Or, perhaps $5!  Either way, any amount of money will contribute to the $2300 I will ultimately be responsible for raising.  Now, keep in mind, I am not expecting top billing.  I just hope for a decent showing!  Maybe it would be better if I auction off my husband for a hot date!  He is the best at showing a lady a good time, and he looks great in a suit.  Hey, you have to go to your strengths!  Maybe beyond knitting, I could auction off my angry tirades and "your mom" jokes.  Wait!  I am going about this all wrong!  I need to do a charity rap battle!  I would totally rock that.  I just need to stick to my strengths and wish for the best.  I have a few months to raise the money and I hope that each reader will donate to the cause, and if you want me to, I will teach you to knit or insult people.  Think about it!

Don't Speak, I Know Just What You're Thinking

I have gotten into a terrible habit.  And, no, this has nothing to do with this awesome shiraz-cab blend I discovered.  It would seem that every time I get into hot water with someone in my life, I have decided to make amends by offering to knit something for them.  Not only am I cutting into any small bit of profit that I would be making, but it is keeping me very busy.  I have a lot of opinions and a terrible sense of timing.  I have had several gems in the past few weeks that maybe could have gone differently.  But, they all end the same way: 
"Hey, I didn't mean that your kid has a small head!  Let me knit you a hat with horizontal stripes!" 
"I'm so sorry I didn't tell you about that guy your girlfriend slept with.  Would a scarf make you feel better?"
"I know, I shouldn't have insinuated your marriage will end in a ball of flames.  Socks?"
"I wasn't talking about you!  I was talking about someone else with your name/awkward personality quirk.  Your dog needs a sweater!" 
I might as well just start knitting a cute sock for the foot that resides in my mouth.  Perhaps it would make it easier, quicker to get over if I have a stash of pre-made "I'm sorry" gifts.  This could also be a recipe for disaster.  I may just use it as a license to insult people, just to hand them a gift.  "I hate your boyfriend!  Here have this coffee cup cozy."

Every Step You Take, I'll Be Watching You

It's almost that time of the year!  The largest sheep and wool festival in the country is about a month away.  I need to make some serious decisions on what I am going to compete in and what classes I am going to take.  My favorite, favorite, favorite thing about these sheep and wool festivals is the variety of events the festival-goers can attend.  You can learn knitting and spinning techniques, that is, if you are into the fiber arts.  You can also learn to sheer sheep and make your sheepdog a better herder.  But, the part that really gets me is with all the events and classes that celebrate the sheep, they also have "sheep carcass" and "lamb cooking" contests.  I mean, that really celebrates every aspect of the sheep.  My ultimate goal is to learn how best to herd it, sheer it, spin it, knit it, and cook it.  I wonder if the tiny sheep in the best in show competitions can smell their burning flesh at the gyro stand just down from the show tents?  Last year, I was busy shoving a gyro in my mouth and a sheep was lead by me on a leash.  It was almost as if its eyes were searing a whole in my body with judgment.  The little sheep was trying to figure out ways to break free and murder me.  I feel bad about that.  And, it didn't help that when I would close my eyes at night for the following week, I could see his beady little eyes.  So, this year when I am celebrating a win in the skein and garment competition, I will stand far away from the show tents as I shove a tasty gyro in my mouth. 

The Whole Damn World is Just as Obsessed

Due to the incredible response of my first "guest post" on Mrs. Cutthroat's blog, I've been invited back.  I hope I can live up to your expectations.  Mrs. Cutthroat has introduced me to an array of amazing television shows: 16 and Pregnant, which lead to Teen Moms, the Real Housewives of Atlanta, New York, Orange County, Bethenny Getting Married and Bethenny Ever After. That's just to name a few.  These shows don't follow my normal television patterns, especially the "reality" nature of them, but I'm drawn to them for so many different reasons.  I love the drama, the ridiculousness of the shows and at times how much better I feel about my life while I watch a well-timed "reality train wreck."  I really appreciate Mrs. Cutthroat forcing me to watch her shows because now I enjoy watching Janelle ruin her life week after week on Teen Mom 2 and crazy fights between blond, botoxed socialites on Real Housewives.  I cannot help how much I enjoy this trash TV.  Luckily I have Cutthroat Yarn to help promote and support to provide some constructive purpose in my life.  But I'm working on convincing Mrs. Cutthroat to offer 10% of the profits of certain knitted items to go to paying for Janelle's (from Teen Mom 2) bail the next time her and her "prince charming" end up in the "clink." 

Blackbird Singing in the Dead of Night

My spinning wheel is taunting me.  It is staring from the corner, looking all lonely.  I have nothing to do right now.  I am getting ready to turn on the Shore.  But, other than that, nothing.  I could very easily be spinning.  So, why haven't I jumped on the ol' hobby horse?  I guess I am a little nervous that it is going to hurt.  My wrist looks kind of gross where my surgery was and I am afraid that once I start to spin, it is going to be too painful.  It is totally unbiased fear, for I am typing this blog entry as we speak and my wrist seems to be working just fine.
My life is a graveyard of under-developed hobbies.  I am one of those people who gives up at the first sign of failure.  I think I went rollerblading once.  The first time I fell was the last time I dared to don the blades.  I quit doing ceramics when I failed to finish the overly ambitious nativity scene prior to Christmas.  I stopped playing my guitar when I got bored with playing Blackbird over and over again.
But, knitting!  It is the first hobby in which I feel competent.  And, yarn making is something I love.  I have to stop writing, go over to my little Ashford Traveler and make yarn happen today. 
Also, I wonder if I still remember how to play Blackbird.  My neighbors are about to be really upset.

Purple Haze All In My Brain

I love going on vacation!  I just got back from a work trip with my husband to his hometown.  It was a nice break from the four walls that have been a prison because of the wrist surgery.  By the way, wrist is healing nicely and I am back to knitting soon.  Anyway, we only went for the weekend but it was a much needed change of scenery.  While my husband was taking meetings and working, I hit up every yarn shop I could.  I bought several skeins of discontinued yarn in a beautiful lavender.  I realize that buying yarn is crazy when I make yarn to sell.  But, I can't resist a $3 purple cotton blend.  I bought so much this weekend to make, spin, knit, etc.  I'm sure this wouldn't have been the case if I wasn't totally out of commission just before my yarn tour. 
On top of all the things I purchased, on my knitting respite, I dyed a lot of my own fiber.  I went a totally different direction then what I have been going in these days.  RED!  ORANGE!  YELLOW!  I am very excited about the possible combination of colored yarn ahead of me.  My husband thinks I am obsessed with purple, and while he may be right, I am sure there are customers out there who may some day want to knit something for a man.  I give in.  No more purple for a while.   

It was Red and Yellow and Green and Brown and Blue...

A Guest Blog by Mr. Cutthroat...
Since Mrs. Cutthroat is healing from her surgery late last week, I'm taking over several tasks in the Cutthroat Household.  I've been helping Mrs. Cutthroat with her dyeing, which is the only thing she's tried since the surgery, and we've dyed some great new yarn.  The colors are a vivid orange, red and yellow, which is different than her normal blues and purples, and should be incredibly beautiful.  I've been in charge of rinsing.  This is the most important job (contrary to what Mrs. Cutthroat says).  So look for Mr. Cutthroat's yellow, red and orange yarn coming soon.  It will be the colorful yarn that looks like it belongs on Joseph and Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.  During my younger days, I was one of Joseph's brothers in a community theater production.  Mrs. Cutthroat loves to hear the stories of my musical days (insert sarcasm here).  Now that I've ventured down the road of being the "Cutthroat Assistant" I'm worried that I will be taught to spin yarn and knit socks.  I can picture me hunched over the spinning wheel, fingers bleeding and sweat pouring off my forehead.  Can you unionize with only one employee?  I could start the Amalgamated Spinners & Knitters Local 801.  As much as I may complain to Mrs. Cutthroat about helping with her knitting and spinning adventures, I am truly excited about the progress made and the great yarn and knitted wears being produced.  I hope that many more folks will visit www.cutthroatyarn.com and buy lots and lots of yarn and knitted wears! I hope that after this post Mrs. Cutthroat will allow me to come back and write again. 

You Can Stand Under My Umbrella

I wish there was a way to knit some rainwear.  Where we live, and pretty much everywhere in the US, March is coming in like a lion.  It is raining everywhere.  We are in that weird weather space where it is too warm to wear anything knitted and it is too rainy to knit outdoors.  When it gets nice and warm and dry, I love to knit outdoors.  I have to keep the business going even in the summer when I can't don a fancy knitted hat with earmuffs!  When I knit in the park, I appear to others like a dog walking on its hind legs.  People are surprised to see knitting these days.  Although, I feel that recently knitting is making a serious comeback.  But, that may be only because 90% of the people I hang out with knit.  I just go into serious depression when I have to pack up all the scarves, hats, and thick socks.  I will enjoy this Spring and the rainy days-but I am not happy about it.  I will make it through the rain without my knits, unless someone can figure out how to knit an umbrella. 

They're Worth So Much More After I’m a Goner

Right now, I am knitting a coffee cup cozy.  Or, it could be coozy.  I think it is a regional difference.  Anyway, I am knitting it on my countdown to surgery.  That's right, surgery.  I have grown a cyst on my wrist from all the mouse movement at work, along with knitting and spinning.  I'm not particularly worried about the surgery itself, except that I will be totally awake for it.  I am worried about having to be without my knitting needles for the next week or so.  I've got a lot of things to get knitting on and I don't have the luxury to sit around with my hand in the air.  What if my fingers don't work after this surgery?  I'm not worried, but what if that did happen?  Aside from surgery, what if I die someday?  If I ever die (if I will or won't is still up in the air), I hope that I get something totally awesome accomplished.  What if the last thing I knit in this world is a coffee cozy coozy?  That is not how I would want my legacy, even if I walked in front of a bus tomorrow.  I also don't want to be buried in my first sweater.  My first socks?  Sure.  One of my furry frienemies dressed in a little sweater?  Definitely. 
I wonder if I was making a cozy coozy when I kicked bucket, whether it would be worth more money because of my early departure?  The same for my yarn.  If I am going to leave Mr. Cutthroat with any sort of retirement planning, I am going to need to show him how to raise prices on www.cutthroatyarn.com.  Enough writing for now!  I need to finish the cozy coozy and quickly start a blanket before Friday!

Red Letter Day

I cannot believe that this day has finally come.  I have been waiting for this day for 10 months.  I.  Finished.  My.  Cashmere.  Scarf.  I got all the way through the yarn, with the exception of what is in the picture.  I put the penny there for reference.  Imagine being so fed up with a project that you give up with that much yarn left to go.  I just couldn't do it for one more second.  And, since I am attempting to live my life more like a winner, I thought:  what would Charlie Sheen do?  Well, it is a trick question because he is such a winner, he can just think up a scarf and it is so.  I will never, ever, never take on this project again.  But, this terrible cloud has an immensely thick silver lining.  I haven't knitted anything for Mr. Cutthroat.  Now, he thinks this scarf is the bees knees and who am I to keep him from owning it?  So, I have killed two birds with one stone by knitting this tedious scarf.  I am so happy to be done.  Next project:  purpley merino wool!

I'm the Party Star, I'm Popular

Like everyone in America, I am currently watching the Charlie Sheen interview on 20/20.  As I watch this, I am getting the very minimal amount of knitting going on this scarf.  My knitting gets tighter and tighter as this interview goes on.  I have learned a lot from this interview.  I did not know that Ambien is the Devil's Aspirin.  I also don't have any concept as to how much a 7 gram rock is, but he is talking about it like it's a lot.  I'll have to take his word for it.  God, he looks terrible. 
His girlfriends.  Yikes.  Hey, Charlie, here is the difference between you and Hugh Hefner, and it's basically the quality.  Sheen has some valid points in this whole scenario, though.  You do get to see what you are getting beforehand when choosing to date porn stars.  Of course they want to marry Charlie Sheen!  If I was hanging out with someone who was on the verge of death who was also making $2 mil for 30 minutes worth of work, I would be all over marriage. 
Quote of the Night:  "I was kinda counting on that money to get me through the summer.  Now, I have to work."  How many episodes did he make $2 mil per?  When I was working at Home Depot in college, that was money I was counting on to get me through the summer.   Man, what a good summer he was getting ready to have!  I am super jealous. 
I am totally bi-winning.

Everybody Must Get Stoned

Cashmere Scarf Update:  I AM ALMOST DONE.  I got so much done last night during the Oscars, it was unbelievable.  I didn't feel guilty for watching TV with idle hands.  They were most certainly busy.  The cashmere ball is now down to the size of a mutant golf ball.  As far as the show goes, I was happy overall.  Mr. Cutthroat and I made it through 8 of the Best Picture nominees and 1 foreign language film, which was great progress.  For some reason, I couldn't force 127 Hours on myself, and we just didn't get around to The Fighter.  I will say that if I could go the rest of my life without another Melissa Leo moment, I would consider that a victory.  Something about her personality really irks me.  Watching her acceptance speech was like nails on a chalkboard.  And, I don't even care about the infamous F bomb.  She is just so fake and she couldn't even squeeze out one single tear.  Also, I could have seriously lived without the foreign language film clips with the guy trying to kill a tiny kitten with hedge trimmers.  Not nice.  That movie clip had an overall negative reaction at my Oscar Party.  Needless to say, I will not be renting any foreign language films from Greece in the foreseeable future.  By the way, was James Franco completely high?  My magic 8 ball says:  signs point to yes.  He sounded more stoned than Kirk Douglas.  That guy was stoned too, right? 

Ice Age Heat Wave, Can't Complain

Tonight is all about dye! 
A few festivals ago, I bought some organic dye.  I bought a sample pack with several colors.  I figured that I would get a good sense of color and be able to play around with a bunch of small quantities.  Everything I have dyed with it has totally, utterly failed.  I cannot make it work.  The dye always looks great, then washes out almost completely.  I have tried every technique, every mordant, every single thing.  Bottom line:  I hate it.  Screw organic. 
I have bought some conventional dye and it is working like a dream.  Tonight, I made a lavender dye and the wool is beautiful.  It held its color.  The directions were very simple.  Now, provided this spins nicely, this will get the Cutthroat endorsement, for what that's worth. 
Although I have not had success with the organic hot mess, I have done well with food dyeing.  I am skipping the organic dye from now on.  I get that organic is the way of the future.  I know that everyone should shop at Whole Foods and be chemical free and happy.  But, I just can't.  Every adventure into Whole Foods makes me feel like I am not wearing enough hemp to stand in the checkout.  They don't even have jello.  I can never be the kind of people that live the organic life.  I will say that organic vegetables taste so good.  But, that lifestyle requires an energy I just don't have in me.  What I can be, is the type of person that shops local, recycles, breaks for animals, and generally tries to be a good person.  Those things I feel I am pretty good at.  I even tried to be a bicycle rider this weekend, after a 23 year break from being on one.  It was painful.  I am told by M'arg'ttie that it is a simple case of bike butt and it is something that you get used to.  I guess that is just something that the organic culture is in general-something you have to get used to.  And, if they want to get me on board, I need better organic dye!  I can't knit in only natural tones!  Pinks and purples are the only way into my heart. 

I Could Be Purple, I Could Be Anything You Like

Tonight, I started to get serious.  We are getting close to the latest round of Sheep and Wool Festivals and I intend to win more ribbons.  I have so many ideas floating through my head for colors and spinning, and I need to make it happen.  I was tempted to buy a cashmere fleece online today.  But, when it came down to it, my brain started screaming:  DEAR GOD!!  WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO YOURSELF!?!  YOU HATE THIS CASHMERE YARN AND NOW YOU WANT TO MAKE MORE!?!?!  YOU ARE AN IDIOT!! 
Good point, inner monologue.  I will probably never even be able to wear a cashmere sweater ever again due to this scarf.  And, I am sure you will all be happy when I finish so you will never have to read about it again. 
But, back to my dye shop in my kitchen...  I find that merino takes on the best color and I never get tired of working with it.  I would like to work with more reds and orange colors.  I tend to live by the philosophy of the brighter the better.  It also might be helpful to do colors that may work for men.  I seem to make an endless supply of lady yarn that would be impossible for a male to pull off.  Whatever I decide to submit for the yarn competitions, I know it has to be spectacular.  I crave ribbons! 

Baby, I'm Howlin for You

Oh, how I love Valentine's Day!

I love paper hearts, red knitted hearts, glittery hearts.  This year, I didn't knit anything in particular for Valentine's Day.  I am still stuck on the cashmere.  (Yeah, I know.  So terrible!  I am not even going to start talking about it because it will make me angry all over again.)
I legitimately used to be on the other side, before meeting Mr. Cutthroat.  I used to think that the holiday solely devoted to love was a waste of a day.  At that point, no one ever bought be flowers.  No one ever spent 3 hours trying to get me the best damn Taylor Swift tickets one can ever get.  No one ever made me a Barbie cake for my birthday.  No one ever washed and beat my fiber.  Wow.  That sounds terrible.
Let's be honest:  even if I didn't have my husband, I would be celebrating my love for my spinning wheel.   I really, really love that thing.  If this was a different era, I might have considered marrying it.  Actually, what am I thinking?  It is a girl spinning wheel and that would just be wrong!  (Note sarcasm.) 
When this bearded hunk walked into my life, I was happy to have Valentine's Day.  I hope cupid and the lovebirds can forgive me for being an enemy for so long.  Now, I have embraced my love for glittery hearts.  Today, I wrote a pattern for some beautiful knit hearts.  I am not sure what I will use them for yet.  And, since I  swore a blood oath to knit only the cashmere, I decided to write patterns instead.  Even now, I am trying to celebrate my love for my husband and yarn, although not equally, I am haunted this stupid cashmere yarn.

You Can't Say I Don't Love You Just Because I Cheat On You

I am so not myself these days.  I am in a rut.
Lately, I have been so scattered in life and I cannot seem to get my act together.  While normally, I would be the one sitting home on a Saturday night spinning yarn, lately I am the one going out and acting like a 20 year old.  (My 20 year old days were pretty awesome, thanks Melissa's ID.)  Maybe it is the weight loss; 32.5 pounds total.  Maybe it is the winter; very dreary these days.  Maybe it is my impending milestone birthday; 6 months away.  I haven't spun yarn in over a week.  I halfheartedly knitted the cashmere scarf these past few days.  I am cheating on knitting with margaritas, dinners, happy hours, concerts, shopping, and Guitar Hero.  Maybe a class will help to pull me out of this rut.  I have always wanted to learn to make art yarn.  Winter is such a great time to knit because it is cold and you are drinking wine in front of a fireplace.  But, somehow I am super motivated in the summer.  At waterparks.  And, beaches. 
Another alarming change:  I am spending more and more time talking in my cat voice.  It is this baby-talking voice about 3 octaves above my normal voice.  (Anyone with a pet has a voice.  I refuse to believe otherwise.  If you don't have a pet voice, don't tell me.  That would be like telling me that Bill Clinton isn't real.)  The cat voice makes up about 70-85% of my daily speech at home.  As soon as I see my husband, my r's turn to w's.  Tomorrow, I am going to take it down 5%.  Gotta start small.  
I could be finally finding my groove.  I think that it is possible to be a career gal, while owning a teeny tiny business, and losing weight.  It is just hard to keep them all together and even keel.  Is it possible that everything doesn't need be done rightthissecond at break-neck speed?  What is my life going to be like with kids?  Something will have to give.  And, that something will likely be me in the role of the mom from What's Eating Gilbert Grape?  If that was the case, I am sure I would get a crap-ton of knitting done.  I wouldn't be able to move very far.  I would just yell until my kids bring me knitting and fried chicken.

Yesterday's Gone, Yesterday's Gone

I have been quite the lazy knitter lately.  I have shelved a lot of projects and I just can't make myself pull them back out.  Christmas was very hectic; a lot of orders, yarn requests, and the like.  Now, I can't seem to motivate myself out of my knitting rut.  Don't get me wrong, I am still loving knitting.  I just need to finish all these boring projects so I don't feel bad about picking up something new.  I have a cashmere scarf, as previously mentioned in blog posts, and I cannot finish it.  I get so angry every time I look at it.  I am going to make a commitment to finish it today.  Or, maybe this month.  I could have knitted a million things in the time it has taken to me do this scarf.  One lesson learned for this project:  tiny needles are the devil.  I have a lot of ideas for things I want to do for my Etsy Shop.  And, I am being handcuffed by one hat and one scarf.  Hopefully, the next time I write, I will have one or both of those things done. 

What Would You Say?

In an ongoing quest to see all the Oscar-worthy performances of last year, we saw The King's Speech tonight.  It was very good.  Acting was great.  Although, I will say that I had a hard time distinguishing Scabbers away from Winston Churchill.  Yes, I hear how that sounds.  But, enough about the movie, there is another thing I want to discuss.
Why, why, why, why do old ladies insist on making noise during a movie?  This is the precise reason that I like going to the theater for shows like, Get Him to the Greek.  There are no old ladies there.  And, if they accidentally stumbled in, mistaking it for something akin to The Queen, they would quickly leave.  If one old lady wasn't bad enough, they always travel in packs.  They pass each other butterscotch candies and ask if the other one is awake.  Phrases like "What did he say?" and "I don't care for that language!" is common place.  Mr. Cutthroat gets wildly uncomfortable when I turn around and stare angrily.  I will absolutely say anything to anyone in a theater if they talk.  Just ask Cousin Abu Dabie about the time when I yelled at a girl during the History of Violence.  In my defense, the nature of the movie made that argument escalate rather quickly.  At the last Harry Potter midnight showing, some girl was behind me and asked her date when Voldemort came on the screen, "Is he a bad guy?"  1) The midnight show is for fans.  2) Yes, the guy who resembles a snake torchering the girl on camera is in fact a bad guy.  I shut her down immediately with, "No!  We are NOT doing this."  With The King's Speech, I should expect the old ladies.  But, I will never grow to like them.  In 90 years when I am as old as the ladies behind me tonight, there will probably be no theaters.  I will be sitting in my chair, shushing my cats.  That reminds me:  must pick up Wether's Originals. 

I Like Glitter and Sparkly Dresses

Today has been a rough day.  I spent the majority of last night tossing and turning, checking the clock, all in anticipation of the Taylor Swift Presale.  I woke up in plenty of time and between my husband and I, we were working the phones and every available computer/device to get good seats.  How is it that I did not get floor seats??  I am thinking that the next presale for fan club members, of which I am a member, will have the good seats.  There is a lot of strategy involved and at the end of the day, I may end up with the tickets I have today and the tickets I buy next week.  Nonetheless, I will have tickets.  Yeah, I know I am 20 years older than any of her other fans.  But, unlike those 9 year olds, I have a job and I can buy my own tickets.  This is the definite advantage of being old and having a husband who's sole job it is to get awesome seats.  Suck on that!  I will say that the preteen girls have been instrumental in shedding light on the presale process.  And to repay them for their help, I will not sell my unused tickets for $895 a piece.  I will make sure a preteen girl gets them for face value.  Which, by the way, $500-900 is the going rate for the scalpers post-presale today.  That is so wrong, it is unbelievable.  Who would pay that for any concert??  I will not take advantage of the situation.  But, once we get into the show, I will push a preteen girl to the ground if Taylor Swift comes close enough to me.  She surveys the crowd for superfans to bring backstage and I will do whatever it takes to get her attention.  I should start sewing together tiny pieces of glitter to make a full dress tonight. 

Man, You Are Crushing Down Their Spirits

This "tiger parenting" phenomenon has brought to the surface very different ideals between my husband and I.  Tiger parenting, for those of you trapped under a large boulder 30 feet below Earth's surface, is the theory that raising your kids as an ultra demanding mother breeds successful adults. 
Now, don't get me wrong, most children who you are not related to or who aren't children of your friends are terrible.  They are loud, they are dirty, they cry and whine.  Bleck!  But, I am not sure that being all those things means that it is a good plan to chain your child to a violin.  It is totally acceptable to chain your children to knitting needles, though. 
I know that the argument against tiger parenting says that we are breeding kids to be unsuccessful, but feel really awesome about it.  And, that those with tiger parents are all of our bosses.  I am fine with this concept.  Now, my husband has embraced the thought of having successful children.  He wants to basically glue a musical instrument to his or her hand.  This is his retirement plan.  I'm not sold.  If you want to ensure that you have a kid who is going to be really rich and keep you in green fees and 9 irons, you only have 1!  You take all your money and put that kid in the best private school.  Maybe you don't put too much pressure on them, but just keep suggesting that you will only love them if they are doctors.  Wait, is this tiger parenting?  Ignore everything I just said.  I am totally for it.  However, I think we should employ this concept with the cats as a test run.  If we can get them to stop eating yarn using tiger parenting, then let's go for it.   

Don't Think We're Not Serious

I had a plan.  My plan was to finally make it home for Mother's Day.  I got my plane ticket and told LDubs to clear her schedule.  Then, da da daaaaa, I checked the Maryland Sheep and Wool Festival schedule and it is the same weekend!  This festival is the best sheep and wool festival in the country.  I want to do the lock in.  I want to do the auction.  I want to buy a sheep, well maybe not, but I want to entertain the thought.  If it was a random weekend home with LDubs, no question that the Maryland Sheep and Wool Festival would win out every time.  But, it is Mother's Day.  I feel like it is every daughters obligation to follow through on the promise to go home.  But, I do have a brother.  It isn't like he has a festival to go to.  Isn't it pointless to delay a good visit?  I could just go home the weekend before Mother's Day and it would be better because it is sooner.  I am sure that sooner is always better.  I could just protest Mother's Day as a Hallmark holiday?  Who the hell planned this festival for this stupid weekend??  Maybe some of us don't have knitting mothers who want to bond over wool! 

So, wish me luck at the festival.  The lock in is going to be awesome.

Well, I Thought About the Army

I am starting to feel like a real, live, legitimate business.  Tonight, I ordered my business cards for Cutthroat Yarn so I can get the word out.  I decided to offer knitting lessons to get the word out.  Can a job exist where I make yarn all day in a shop surrounded by other knitters?  Yes.  It takes me owning my own shop.  I am nervous about giving strangers lessons.  I can teach people how to knit, but when they are people I know, my teaching method involves shame and anger.  If people are paying me to teach them knitting, I feel like screaming "WHAT ARE YOU DOOOOOING?!" is probably inappropriate.  Unless, however, I can market a knitting boot camp!  Yes!  This is exactly what I would be awesome at.  I could be the Jillian Michaels of knitting.  Maybe I could be marketed on Maury for troubled youth in need of a hobby.  "YOUR PURLS LOOK LIKE 4TH GRADER PURLS!  YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED!"  Anyone want lessons?

You Live For the Fight When That's All That You've Got

I can do so much while knitting.  I am pretty awesome at multi-tasking.  Often, Mr. Cutthroat feels neglected by my need to knit and spin.  Last night, he resurrected the Wii, as it has been sitting dormant since the move.  I don't like to brag and all, but I am pretty awesome at Guitar Hero.  But, as much as I like playing it, I like knitting more.  So, I managed to combine hanging out with my husband and knitting by--wait for it--putting my microphone in my shirt.  I can knit and sing at the same time, and rock them both.  The downside is that I can only do songs by heart.  The upside, I finished my angora cowl scarf.  Quality time, check.  Scarf, check.  High score on Living on a Prayer, check. 
Today, I went to the hand doctor for some repetitive motion issue and I brought my knitting.  If I am going to sit in a waiting room, I need to make the most of my time.  Multi-tasking!  Although, this time the multi-tasking made me feel dirty.  I was sitting in a hand surgeon's office doing something that causes problems for hands.  It was like bringing a Whopper to a Weight Watchers meeting.  It was like bringing heroin to rehab.  It was wrong, and I saw the irony.  I will be paying the price when I have to take a mandatory 2 week vacation from my knitting and spinning.  Then, I will have to hold my own microphone and be totally engaged in activities without the yarn.  So depressing.

I'm From Rags to Riches

I need an intern.  My family is tired of being tricked into helping me with Cutthroat Yarn.  It starts off innocently enough with, "Hey, can you run some hot water in a bowl?  Oh, and put some yarn soak in it.  Well, while you are standing there, can you just gently place the yarn in the bowl.  Wait, you will need to wind it on the niddy noddy first."  It worked twice.  Things are really going well for Cutthroat Yarn and I truly appreciate those faithful knitters purchasing all my yarn.  It is really the best compliment to have your friends and fellow knitting veterans to knit with your yarn and order more.  My next project is knitting lessons!  I think the best way to get new customers is to go out and make some, figuratively.  I won't be "making" any people in the near future.  I am going to attack women in coffee shops that look bored.  I will be more motivated than a drug dealer at an elementary school.  I guess that's how Jay-Z started back in the day.  But, the difference is, I will not end up in jail for trying to recruit yarn addicts.  Hopefully, the similarity is that I will be a billionaire.  That much money is excessive, I just want enough to keep me in glitter, yarn, and cats. 

I'm Think I'm Turning Japanese

Now, I love cooking shows.  And, I love celebrity chefs.  That is why I like Iron Chef America.  I always knew there was another version, but I never watched it.  Right now, against my will, I am watching the Japanese version.  I had to put down the knitting because I am finding this show is making it difficult to pay attention.  To be fair, I will watch any show that is dubbed into English.  I cannot help but think about those people who are sitting in a sound booth trying to have a conversation like they are in Kitchen Stadium.  That has to be an awkward situation, especially on a cooking show where they are having to make a lot of noises during the eating portion.  "Mashed  taters Japanese style!"  "Mashed potatoes come with gravy, no?"  "What is a meatloaf?"  "No!  They are cooking the tuna!"  They are laughing about everything!  Also, the chef is from Canada so they are giving a lot of helpful information to the Japanese about the Canadian culture.  One lady has a hair style with braids and feathers and she said it was a traditional hairstyle in Canada.  Now, I have only been to Canada 3 times so maybe I haven't really gotten the full experience.  But, I have to say, whaaaaaaaat?   Also, they treat the Chairman like a burn victim in that his whole body is covered.  Gloves, really?  Do people really watch this show outside of a drinking game situation?  Drink every time a weird fact about Canada is proven untrue!  Drink every time the Chairman is making a face like someone on To Catch A Predator!  Drink every time the host gets insulted by Morimoto!  I am drunk just thinking about it. 

Party, Karamu, Fiesta, Forever

Today is the day!  The next season of Jersey Shore is on!  I am pretty sure this is the last season that this show will be remotely relevant, but I am going to be on this ship until it sinks.  I am going to knit a trucker hat tonight to commemorate the beginning of this season.  Every night, I do a little MVP style cheer with my cats and husband.  Ah, the Jersey Shore.  I have actually never been to the Jersey Shore.  I am not skinny or tan enough to make that journey yet.  Also, I am not sure that I like "gorilla juice heads."  Totally not my thing.  I would not be able to hang.  But, I could hang as the grandma figure with my knitting at the beach.  Knittings here!

She Could See From My Face...

Every awards season, the Cutthroats try to watch every movie that is up for Oscars and Golden Globes.  I am loving the ability to knit and truck through these OnDemand movies at the same time.  I am busy these days and I have to multitask as much as possible.  Although, I haven't had the guts to knit during a movie at a movie theater yet.  Watching some scenes in Black Swan, I wish I had.  If I go see 127 Hours, I very well might.  I forgot all about that story until I was reminded.  Now, that will be the hardest one to get through.  Knitting and watching something with subtitles is a bit challenging.  While watching The American, I kept having to ask, "what did he say?"  and "wait, what's going on?"  I was annoying, more than normal.  Also, I may have had to rewind a few workout scenes with Clooney.  And, with all I have heard about Blue Valentine, I will not be knitting during it.  Well, maybe if it is only the R version.  No one wants the R version, give me the NC-17 version and you've got my attention.  That's basically the only reason that I rented Lust, Caution.  Artsy, award-winning, yada yada yada, and NC-17.  Don't get me wrong here.  I don't go out and rent adult movies.  I just have to see what all the crazy is about when mainstream actors and actresses go for the NC-17 movie.  You could put that rating on  Toy Story 3 (which is on the AFI 2010 list, by the way) and I will watch it to see what in the hell Tom Hanks and Tim Allen could possibly be saying.  The suspense would be too great.  I once downloaded a terrible song- cough, James Blunt, cough-because I saw there was an explicit version.  I had to know what could possibly be in the song to make it explicit.  Now, it comes up on every random shuffle and I basically want to put a letter opener through my face after jumping in front of a bus.  (See what I did there?)  I guess this isn't making my case for seeing a movie simply for the curious angle. 

Take This Job and Shove It

From time to time, I get sucked into Man Vs. Food on the Travel Channel.  For those of you who do not know what I am talking about, it is basically a guy that goes around the country and takes those food challenges where you have to eat something akin to a 64 ounce steak in an hour.  There are a lot of them across the country.  I have been unaware.  There are a few foods out there where I feel as though I could compete in any eating contest.  Pancakes, cake, yeast rolls, Reese's Cups, and corn on the cob are only a few.  The best part about the show is that in the first season, he was reasonably thin.  In the current season, he needs a Bro.  Some of the things he puts into his body leave me wondering how he does not have diabetes.  I guess if your job is to eat across the country and to score yourself as many free restaurant t-shirts as you can, then diabetes is an occupational hazard.  How lucky is a guy who loves food to get this job??  Why isn't knitting my job?  I would be awesome at knitting under a time constraint, dealing with my own occupational hazards.  We have repetitive motion.  But, then again, so does every office worker in the world.  Lame.  We also get a lot of disappointed looks when people open homemade knitted gifts for Christmas when they expected a video game.  That is a crippling occupational hazard, much like an arrow through the heart.  "Oh... thaaaaanks."  I am going to send a proposal to the Travel Channel to send me to yarn shops all over the country.  I will challenge little old ladies to a knit-off.  First person to knit a sweater vest wins carpal tunnel!  Wait-will that turn me into my arch enemy, Bobby Flay??  This concept sounds like Showdown with Bobby Flay.  Don't even get me started on his heartless scheme to go to a town, trick someone into thinking they are hosting their own special on the Food Network, then beat them at their own craft!  If Bobby Flay comes to my house to spin yarn better than me, I will punch him in the sack.