I Like Glitter and Sparkly Dresses

Today has been a rough day.  I spent the majority of last night tossing and turning, checking the clock, all in anticipation of the Taylor Swift Presale.  I woke up in plenty of time and between my husband and I, we were working the phones and every available computer/device to get good seats.  How is it that I did not get floor seats??  I am thinking that the next presale for fan club members, of which I am a member, will have the good seats.  There is a lot of strategy involved and at the end of the day, I may end up with the tickets I have today and the tickets I buy next week.  Nonetheless, I will have tickets.  Yeah, I know I am 20 years older than any of her other fans.  But, unlike those 9 year olds, I have a job and I can buy my own tickets.  This is the definite advantage of being old and having a husband who's sole job it is to get awesome seats.  Suck on that!  I will say that the preteen girls have been instrumental in shedding light on the presale process.  And to repay them for their help, I will not sell my unused tickets for $895 a piece.  I will make sure a preteen girl gets them for face value.  Which, by the way, $500-900 is the going rate for the scalpers post-presale today.  That is so wrong, it is unbelievable.  Who would pay that for any concert??  I will not take advantage of the situation.  But, once we get into the show, I will push a preteen girl to the ground if Taylor Swift comes close enough to me.  She surveys the crowd for superfans to bring backstage and I will do whatever it takes to get her attention.  I should start sewing together tiny pieces of glitter to make a full dress tonight. 

Man, You Are Crushing Down Their Spirits

This "tiger parenting" phenomenon has brought to the surface very different ideals between my husband and I.  Tiger parenting, for those of you trapped under a large boulder 30 feet below Earth's surface, is the theory that raising your kids as an ultra demanding mother breeds successful adults. 
Now, don't get me wrong, most children who you are not related to or who aren't children of your friends are terrible.  They are loud, they are dirty, they cry and whine.  Bleck!  But, I am not sure that being all those things means that it is a good plan to chain your child to a violin.  It is totally acceptable to chain your children to knitting needles, though. 
I know that the argument against tiger parenting says that we are breeding kids to be unsuccessful, but feel really awesome about it.  And, that those with tiger parents are all of our bosses.  I am fine with this concept.  Now, my husband has embraced the thought of having successful children.  He wants to basically glue a musical instrument to his or her hand.  This is his retirement plan.  I'm not sold.  If you want to ensure that you have a kid who is going to be really rich and keep you in green fees and 9 irons, you only have 1!  You take all your money and put that kid in the best private school.  Maybe you don't put too much pressure on them, but just keep suggesting that you will only love them if they are doctors.  Wait, is this tiger parenting?  Ignore everything I just said.  I am totally for it.  However, I think we should employ this concept with the cats as a test run.  If we can get them to stop eating yarn using tiger parenting, then let's go for it.   

Don't Think We're Not Serious

I had a plan.  My plan was to finally make it home for Mother's Day.  I got my plane ticket and told LDubs to clear her schedule.  Then, da da daaaaa, I checked the Maryland Sheep and Wool Festival schedule and it is the same weekend!  This festival is the best sheep and wool festival in the country.  I want to do the lock in.  I want to do the auction.  I want to buy a sheep, well maybe not, but I want to entertain the thought.  If it was a random weekend home with LDubs, no question that the Maryland Sheep and Wool Festival would win out every time.  But, it is Mother's Day.  I feel like it is every daughters obligation to follow through on the promise to go home.  But, I do have a brother.  It isn't like he has a festival to go to.  Isn't it pointless to delay a good visit?  I could just go home the weekend before Mother's Day and it would be better because it is sooner.  I am sure that sooner is always better.  I could just protest Mother's Day as a Hallmark holiday?  Who the hell planned this festival for this stupid weekend??  Maybe some of us don't have knitting mothers who want to bond over wool! 

So, wish me luck at the festival.  The lock in is going to be awesome.

Well, I Thought About the Army

I am starting to feel like a real, live, legitimate business.  Tonight, I ordered my business cards for Cutthroat Yarn so I can get the word out.  I decided to offer knitting lessons to get the word out.  Can a job exist where I make yarn all day in a shop surrounded by other knitters?  Yes.  It takes me owning my own shop.  I am nervous about giving strangers lessons.  I can teach people how to knit, but when they are people I know, my teaching method involves shame and anger.  If people are paying me to teach them knitting, I feel like screaming "WHAT ARE YOU DOOOOOING?!" is probably inappropriate.  Unless, however, I can market a knitting boot camp!  Yes!  This is exactly what I would be awesome at.  I could be the Jillian Michaels of knitting.  Maybe I could be marketed on Maury for troubled youth in need of a hobby.  "YOUR PURLS LOOK LIKE 4TH GRADER PURLS!  YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED!"  Anyone want lessons?

You Live For the Fight When That's All That You've Got

I can do so much while knitting.  I am pretty awesome at multi-tasking.  Often, Mr. Cutthroat feels neglected by my need to knit and spin.  Last night, he resurrected the Wii, as it has been sitting dormant since the move.  I don't like to brag and all, but I am pretty awesome at Guitar Hero.  But, as much as I like playing it, I like knitting more.  So, I managed to combine hanging out with my husband and knitting by--wait for it--putting my microphone in my shirt.  I can knit and sing at the same time, and rock them both.  The downside is that I can only do songs by heart.  The upside, I finished my angora cowl scarf.  Quality time, check.  Scarf, check.  High score on Living on a Prayer, check. 
Today, I went to the hand doctor for some repetitive motion issue and I brought my knitting.  If I am going to sit in a waiting room, I need to make the most of my time.  Multi-tasking!  Although, this time the multi-tasking made me feel dirty.  I was sitting in a hand surgeon's office doing something that causes problems for hands.  It was like bringing a Whopper to a Weight Watchers meeting.  It was like bringing heroin to rehab.  It was wrong, and I saw the irony.  I will be paying the price when I have to take a mandatory 2 week vacation from my knitting and spinning.  Then, I will have to hold my own microphone and be totally engaged in activities without the yarn.  So depressing.

I'm From Rags to Riches

I need an intern.  My family is tired of being tricked into helping me with Cutthroat Yarn.  It starts off innocently enough with, "Hey, can you run some hot water in a bowl?  Oh, and put some yarn soak in it.  Well, while you are standing there, can you just gently place the yarn in the bowl.  Wait, you will need to wind it on the niddy noddy first."  It worked twice.  Things are really going well for Cutthroat Yarn and I truly appreciate those faithful knitters purchasing all my yarn.  It is really the best compliment to have your friends and fellow knitting veterans to knit with your yarn and order more.  My next project is knitting lessons!  I think the best way to get new customers is to go out and make some, figuratively.  I won't be "making" any people in the near future.  I am going to attack women in coffee shops that look bored.  I will be more motivated than a drug dealer at an elementary school.  I guess that's how Jay-Z started back in the day.  But, the difference is, I will not end up in jail for trying to recruit yarn addicts.  Hopefully, the similarity is that I will be a billionaire.  That much money is excessive, I just want enough to keep me in glitter, yarn, and cats. 

I'm Think I'm Turning Japanese

Now, I love cooking shows.  And, I love celebrity chefs.  That is why I like Iron Chef America.  I always knew there was another version, but I never watched it.  Right now, against my will, I am watching the Japanese version.  I had to put down the knitting because I am finding this show is making it difficult to pay attention.  To be fair, I will watch any show that is dubbed into English.  I cannot help but think about those people who are sitting in a sound booth trying to have a conversation like they are in Kitchen Stadium.  That has to be an awkward situation, especially on a cooking show where they are having to make a lot of noises during the eating portion.  "Mashed  taters Japanese style!"  "Mashed potatoes come with gravy, no?"  "What is a meatloaf?"  "No!  They are cooking the tuna!"  They are laughing about everything!  Also, the chef is from Canada so they are giving a lot of helpful information to the Japanese about the Canadian culture.  One lady has a hair style with braids and feathers and she said it was a traditional hairstyle in Canada.  Now, I have only been to Canada 3 times so maybe I haven't really gotten the full experience.  But, I have to say, whaaaaaaaat?   Also, they treat the Chairman like a burn victim in that his whole body is covered.  Gloves, really?  Do people really watch this show outside of a drinking game situation?  Drink every time a weird fact about Canada is proven untrue!  Drink every time the Chairman is making a face like someone on To Catch A Predator!  Drink every time the host gets insulted by Morimoto!  I am drunk just thinking about it. 

Party, Karamu, Fiesta, Forever

Today is the day!  The next season of Jersey Shore is on!  I am pretty sure this is the last season that this show will be remotely relevant, but I am going to be on this ship until it sinks.  I am going to knit a trucker hat tonight to commemorate the beginning of this season.  Every night, I do a little MVP style cheer with my cats and husband.  Ah, the Jersey Shore.  I have actually never been to the Jersey Shore.  I am not skinny or tan enough to make that journey yet.  Also, I am not sure that I like "gorilla juice heads."  Totally not my thing.  I would not be able to hang.  But, I could hang as the grandma figure with my knitting at the beach.  Knittings here!

She Could See From My Face...

Every awards season, the Cutthroats try to watch every movie that is up for Oscars and Golden Globes.  I am loving the ability to knit and truck through these OnDemand movies at the same time.  I am busy these days and I have to multitask as much as possible.  Although, I haven't had the guts to knit during a movie at a movie theater yet.  Watching some scenes in Black Swan, I wish I had.  If I go see 127 Hours, I very well might.  I forgot all about that story until I was reminded.  Now, that will be the hardest one to get through.  Knitting and watching something with subtitles is a bit challenging.  While watching The American, I kept having to ask, "what did he say?"  and "wait, what's going on?"  I was annoying, more than normal.  Also, I may have had to rewind a few workout scenes with Clooney.  And, with all I have heard about Blue Valentine, I will not be knitting during it.  Well, maybe if it is only the R version.  No one wants the R version, give me the NC-17 version and you've got my attention.  That's basically the only reason that I rented Lust, Caution.  Artsy, award-winning, yada yada yada, and NC-17.  Don't get me wrong here.  I don't go out and rent adult movies.  I just have to see what all the crazy is about when mainstream actors and actresses go for the NC-17 movie.  You could put that rating on  Toy Story 3 (which is on the AFI 2010 list, by the way) and I will watch it to see what in the hell Tom Hanks and Tim Allen could possibly be saying.  The suspense would be too great.  I once downloaded a terrible song- cough, James Blunt, cough-because I saw there was an explicit version.  I had to know what could possibly be in the song to make it explicit.  Now, it comes up on every random shuffle and I basically want to put a letter opener through my face after jumping in front of a bus.  (See what I did there?)  I guess this isn't making my case for seeing a movie simply for the curious angle. 

Take This Job and Shove It

From time to time, I get sucked into Man Vs. Food on the Travel Channel.  For those of you who do not know what I am talking about, it is basically a guy that goes around the country and takes those food challenges where you have to eat something akin to a 64 ounce steak in an hour.  There are a lot of them across the country.  I have been unaware.  There are a few foods out there where I feel as though I could compete in any eating contest.  Pancakes, cake, yeast rolls, Reese's Cups, and corn on the cob are only a few.  The best part about the show is that in the first season, he was reasonably thin.  In the current season, he needs a Bro.  Some of the things he puts into his body leave me wondering how he does not have diabetes.  I guess if your job is to eat across the country and to score yourself as many free restaurant t-shirts as you can, then diabetes is an occupational hazard.  How lucky is a guy who loves food to get this job??  Why isn't knitting my job?  I would be awesome at knitting under a time constraint, dealing with my own occupational hazards.  We have repetitive motion.  But, then again, so does every office worker in the world.  Lame.  We also get a lot of disappointed looks when people open homemade knitted gifts for Christmas when they expected a video game.  That is a crippling occupational hazard, much like an arrow through the heart.  "Oh... thaaaaanks."  I am going to send a proposal to the Travel Channel to send me to yarn shops all over the country.  I will challenge little old ladies to a knit-off.  First person to knit a sweater vest wins carpal tunnel!  Wait-will that turn me into my arch enemy, Bobby Flay??  This concept sounds like Showdown with Bobby Flay.  Don't even get me started on his heartless scheme to go to a town, trick someone into thinking they are hosting their own special on the Food Network, then beat them at their own craft!  If Bobby Flay comes to my house to spin yarn better than me, I will punch him in the sack.