Trying to Get My Hands on Some Grants, Like Horace

Can we talk about this?  This book, available on various online bookstores, may be the single greatest pattern book in the history of time.  Versatile?  No.  Trendy?  Most certainly.  Useful?  Absolutely not.  However, I do appreciate there is a knitting aspect to a world event that I, like every other 18-62 year old woman, am completely obsessed with.  How long did these patterns take to develop?  This is one reason that I could never write a successful pattern book.  I would give up somewhere around Prince Harry.  But, as cute as this book is, one question remains:  what in the hell do you do with the knitted royal wedding once it is done?  Maybe there are spinsters who will proudly display it.  Maybe there are people who can zip through these patterns while watching the festivities and it's no big deal.  I am neither of those.  I can't even bring myself to make lingerie, and I feel like that may have a use.  Well, maybe not.  I am not sure how hot and bothered my husband is by my knitting.  Maybe this lady has made other pattern books?  An O.J. Simpson Trial book?  Or, Libya Crisis?  Or, Waco?  She could make millions!  Fiona Golbe, call me!

I Just Want to Fly

Birds!  I hate birds.  I think they are sneaky, noisy, and their red, beady eyes freak me out.  I don't like pet birds.  I especially hate the ones that talk to you.  Also, their poop flies out of the sky!  Bleck!  Well, I have been confronted with my worst nightmare this week when a morning dove took up residence in my neighbor's light fixture.  Our neighbors trying to gently tell the bird that it should find more suitable housing, put a bobble head and a roll of packing tape in the fixture.  But, oh no!  This dove would not be dissuaded!  It just built its nest around the obstacles.  Now, when I have to walk by the dove to get out, it is too close for comfort.  I just keep my head down and bolt for the stairs.  Mr. Cutthroat tries to reassure the bird when he passes so it won't start attacking, "It's ok, little bird."  I appreciate that he thinks at some point it is going to reply, "Thanks, Mister!" 
To make matters worse, another morning dove showed up on the other lamp in our hallway.  That one just stares.  It hasn't built a nest yet. 
Yesterday, I went out for a morning jog and when Mr. Cutthroat and I came home, there was a THIRD morning dove.  And, this time it freaked out.  It started dive bombing us in the hallway as we tried to key into the house.  I cannot handle this gauntlet of birds every single time I go in or out of my front door!  But, at the same time, this bird is going to have baby birds in this nest.  And, while I hate birds, I love baby animals.  I would employ the usual Cutthroat tactics to evict these flying rats, but where would the tiny babies go?  And, maybe because I am letting them stay, the morning dove will walk over and leave one at my door step to raise as my own.  That is, until it becomes a real bird and that sucker is OUT! THE! DOOR!

Give Me a Nickel, Brother Can You Spare a Dime

The Cutthroat family has decided to participate in the Susan G. Komen 3 Day, 60 mile walk fundraiser.  The goal is hefty for each walker--$2300.  Mr. Cutthroat and I do not have particularly rich friends and family so we are going to be relying mostly on individual fundraisers.  In a few weeks, we will be holding a silent auction.  My only real skill is all yarn related.  So, I am going to be knitting items for sale, along with knitting lessons.  This has the opportunity for my ego to be stroked or very badly bruised.  On one hand, my knitting lessons could go for $5,000,000!  Or, perhaps $5!  Either way, any amount of money will contribute to the $2300 I will ultimately be responsible for raising.  Now, keep in mind, I am not expecting top billing.  I just hope for a decent showing!  Maybe it would be better if I auction off my husband for a hot date!  He is the best at showing a lady a good time, and he looks great in a suit.  Hey, you have to go to your strengths!  Maybe beyond knitting, I could auction off my angry tirades and "your mom" jokes.  Wait!  I am going about this all wrong!  I need to do a charity rap battle!  I would totally rock that.  I just need to stick to my strengths and wish for the best.  I have a few months to raise the money and I hope that each reader will donate to the cause, and if you want me to, I will teach you to knit or insult people.  Think about it!

Don't Speak, I Know Just What You're Thinking

I have gotten into a terrible habit.  And, no, this has nothing to do with this awesome shiraz-cab blend I discovered.  It would seem that every time I get into hot water with someone in my life, I have decided to make amends by offering to knit something for them.  Not only am I cutting into any small bit of profit that I would be making, but it is keeping me very busy.  I have a lot of opinions and a terrible sense of timing.  I have had several gems in the past few weeks that maybe could have gone differently.  But, they all end the same way: 
"Hey, I didn't mean that your kid has a small head!  Let me knit you a hat with horizontal stripes!" 
"I'm so sorry I didn't tell you about that guy your girlfriend slept with.  Would a scarf make you feel better?"
"I know, I shouldn't have insinuated your marriage will end in a ball of flames.  Socks?"
"I wasn't talking about you!  I was talking about someone else with your name/awkward personality quirk.  Your dog needs a sweater!" 
I might as well just start knitting a cute sock for the foot that resides in my mouth.  Perhaps it would make it easier, quicker to get over if I have a stash of pre-made "I'm sorry" gifts.  This could also be a recipe for disaster.  I may just use it as a license to insult people, just to hand them a gift.  "I hate your boyfriend!  Here have this coffee cup cozy."

Every Step You Take, I'll Be Watching You

It's almost that time of the year!  The largest sheep and wool festival in the country is about a month away.  I need to make some serious decisions on what I am going to compete in and what classes I am going to take.  My favorite, favorite, favorite thing about these sheep and wool festivals is the variety of events the festival-goers can attend.  You can learn knitting and spinning techniques, that is, if you are into the fiber arts.  You can also learn to sheer sheep and make your sheepdog a better herder.  But, the part that really gets me is with all the events and classes that celebrate the sheep, they also have "sheep carcass" and "lamb cooking" contests.  I mean, that really celebrates every aspect of the sheep.  My ultimate goal is to learn how best to herd it, sheer it, spin it, knit it, and cook it.  I wonder if the tiny sheep in the best in show competitions can smell their burning flesh at the gyro stand just down from the show tents?  Last year, I was busy shoving a gyro in my mouth and a sheep was lead by me on a leash.  It was almost as if its eyes were searing a whole in my body with judgment.  The little sheep was trying to figure out ways to break free and murder me.  I feel bad about that.  And, it didn't help that when I would close my eyes at night for the following week, I could see his beady little eyes.  So, this year when I am celebrating a win in the skein and garment competition, I will stand far away from the show tents as I shove a tasty gyro in my mouth.